......and some personal stands.
SINGLE STRUGGLES
Its becoming increasingly easier and more common to be misunderstood as a single adult male with so many stereotypes and myths of single people. As is often the case, this comes out most clearly in the way people talk and treat a single Christian. Most often, it's about what I must be eating since I don't have a wife to cook for me. Some comments actually make me out to be dumb and/or unequipped as if all single males are just an extension of the adolescent phase until a girl comes along to "domesticate" me.
This is really unfortunate, because it only perpetuates the myth that singles must have a very limited place in society and don't know how to take care of themselves or are somehow harder to interact with because we're in a life situation that isolates us. The truth is, the single male experience is God's plan for that person, and that varies, not only from man to man, but also within each individual man. I believe I have a lot to offer other Christians I interact with if they will, both invest more time and, engage in conversation about spiritual things or choose to simply fellowship. Thankfully, that seems to finally be happening at the church I've most recently been attending and it's truly exciting. I only wonder why that hasn't been the case for the last few decades. I certainly look forward to the day when I meet a woman and I can share my life experiences and fellowship with her, but in the meantime, my life isn't on hold or I'm not terminally ill, like so many others have seemed to think. I am a member of a very friendly and Biblically sound church, I own a horse, go to movies, go bowling with friends, enjoy shooting guns and also have great conversations because I don't have a family making demands on my time, and, of course, I try to deepen my relationship with the Lord. Those who limit and avoid me according to their predetermined assumptions about singleness rob themselves and me of some potentially great friendships.
Not-So-Great Expectations
This issue is really more about expectations than misunderstandings. I pray that churches had more biblical expectations for single guys and would facilitate those biblical expectations in order to get them more involved in mentoring, coaching, and challenging others to grow and serve, while at the same time encouraging and ministering to those single Christians. Unfortunately, expectations for single guys are far lower or, non existent, and not just for singles, but it seems accountability is a foreign concept to most churches. Single Christians seem to be getting a free pass and grow quickly in selfishness and bachelorhood, however are sometimes looked down at for their bachelor lifestyle. Even younger single men can avoid maturing altogether, prolonging a college-like free-floating kind of life well into their 30s. It would be very helpful if pastors and elders, and others in general sought to fix the spotlight of accountability on this demographic in order to motivate singles toward responsibility and maturity. This would promote mature leadership and provide our Christian sisters with many potential, qualified, and spiritual "marital candidates."
There are also some other assumptions that make singles feel misunderstood. These are most prominent in three main ways by three groups. First, single women who frequently mistake friendly interactions with them as a desire to pursue romantic intentions. This leads to them becoming aloof if they aren't interested romantically. Second, some married couples seem to create more and more distance with singles. In addition to the above stereotypes, the husband seems to, more often than not, not know how to talk with a single guy because he hasn't been single for, likely, years. In addition to that, for some reason, the husband very often seems to feel threatened when a single guy is friendly with his wife, which, of course, creates tension, however there is nothing to fear if you trust your wife and realize that the single person may just be, being friendly. However, on occasion, the wife does not see it necessary to simply be friendly for fear of the single CHRISTIAN guy falling for her, (perhaps these particular Christian women need to realize that they may not be attractive as they think themselves to be.) and perhaps, assigning a terminal illness to them. Christian is emphasized because no Christian guy should think about coveting his Christian brothers wife. Finally, the church in general, not all churches, but the ones who seem to frequently view single men as somehow "defective" or suspect and unable to fully contribute to the church body until they're married. Does the bible not teach that we are all of ONE body? I don't think that means that singles are excluded. Thankfully, this does not seem to be the case at my new church.
In spite of these misunderstandings, I'm (most all the time.....im still a human) content knowing I'm complete in Christ, and that He too very likely endured similar misunderstandings when he walked on the earth.
It may be me, but it seems like there is a subliminal message that suggests being married is God's end-all plan for good Christians, and if you're not married by a certain age, there is definitely something wrong with you or you made God mad and he's punishing you. Add to that the pressure of peers marrying off and having kids and slowly, but inevitably, distancing themselves from you more and more. Implicit in these behaviors are just those questions: Why on earth are you still single? Or, more pointedly, what's wrong with you?
I find myself periodically searching to answer these questions as to why this or that relationship didn't work out, but, of course, you cannot force what's not there. And so, sooner or later, and usually before a months time, it's wise to simply part ways and move on.
Prevailing Biblical wisdom says to find contentment in our singleness and walk with God, but earthly "advice" says don't expect anything and when you least expect it, you'll meet the right one. It's usually never going to be when someone least expects it, simply because there's such a strong awareness and sense of hope that "This might be the one", and so that piece of "advice" is definitely easier said than done, and not always going to be true in every case. Contentment in Christ will always be a struggle, and not just in the single life, but I would tend to think that any Christian, single or married, struggles with contentment.
And so, I simply bumble along, expanding my interests. Inevitably, some of those interests fall outside the realm of typical Evangelical endeavors. Bible studies, and other typical Christian singles activities only go so far. That's not to say that I'm a reprobate or liberal. I believe in the inerrant Word of God and His soveriegnty and I try to walk the Christian walk. Its hard when people don't seem to get that.
Several friends have suggested I'd be better off getting involved in fellowships or bible studies that are open to the broader Christendom, as they tend to be more diverse and open in terms of interests and activities....and perhaps also doctrine. That seems to negate the doctrine of seperation, but I also really like living where I do, and im quickly becoming comfortable at my new church, not because its comfortable for the flesh, but because its biblically sound, and even though there are not any single ladies my age, I'll stay where I am, striving to grow in the grace and in the knowledge of Christ (2 Peter 3:18) that I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings. (Phil. 3:10) A biblically sound church is far greater than any earthly relationship.
As the Word says, I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. If some people, and more specifically, some girls don't get me, that's fine. God does. And so I'll do my best to flesh out my faith, live for Christ, reach out to others, and let the proverbial chips fall where they may.
People often seem to think I couldn't be happy and fulfilled without having a wife. I sometimes get questions that seem to assume I sit at home alone feeling sorry for myself. While I want to be married, I also won't live my life in a state of regret. And I'm trying to learn that if being married never happens, I need to continue trusting and honoring God with my life.
