Points to ponder to minister to singles.....

......and some personal stands.

SINGLE STRUGGLES

Its becoming increasingly easier and more common to be misunderstood as a single adult male with so many stereotypes and myths of single people.  As is often the case, this comes out most clearly in the way people talk and treat a single Christian.  Most often, it's about what I must be eating since I don't have a wife to cook for me. Some comments actually make me out to be dumb and/or unequipped as if all  single males are just an extension of the adolescent phase until a girl comes along to "domesticate" me.

This is really unfortunate, because it only perpetuates the myth that singles must have a very limited place in society and don't know how to take care of themselves or are somehow harder to interact with because we're in a life situation that isolates us. The truth is, the single male experience is God's plan for that person, and that varies, not only from man to man, but also within each individual man. I believe I have a lot to offer other Christians I interact with if they will, both invest more time and, engage in conversation about spiritual things or choose to simply fellowship.  Thankfully, that seems to finally be happening at the church I've most recently been attending and it's truly exciting.  I only wonder why that hasn't been the case for the last few decades.  I certainly look forward to the day when I meet a woman and I can share my life experiences and fellowship with her, but in the meantime, my life isn't on hold or I'm not terminally ill, like so many others have seemed to think. I am a member of a very friendly and Biblically sound church, I own a horse, go to movies, go bowling with friends, enjoy shooting guns and also have great conversations because I don't have a family making demands on my time, and, of course, I try to deepen my relationship with the Lord. Those who limit and avoid me according to their predetermined assumptions about singleness rob themselves and me of some potentially great friendships.

Not-So-Great Expectations

This issue is really more about expectations than misunderstandings. I pray that churches had more biblical expectations for single guys and would facilitate those biblical expectations in order to get them more involved in mentoring, coaching, and challenging others to grow and serve, while at the same time encouraging and ministering to those single Christians.  Unfortunately, expectations for single guys are far lower or, non existent, and not just for singles, but it seems accountability is a foreign concept to most churches.  Single Christians seem to be getting a free pass and grow quickly in selfishness and bachelorhood, however are sometimes looked down at for their bachelor lifestyle.  Even younger single men can avoid maturing altogether, prolonging a college-like free-floating kind of life well into their 30s.  It would be very helpful if pastors and elders, and others in general sought to fix the spotlight of accountability on this demographic in order to motivate singles toward responsibility and maturity. This would promote mature leadership and provide our Christian sisters with many potential, qualified, and spiritual "marital candidates."

There are also some other assumptions that make singles feel misunderstood.  These are most prominent in three main ways by three groups. First, single women who frequently mistake friendly interactions with them as a desire to pursue romantic intentions. This leads to them becoming aloof if they aren't interested romantically.   Second, some married couples seem to create more and more distance with singles.  In addition to the above stereotypes, the husband seems to, more often than not, not know how to talk with a single guy because he hasn't been single for, likely, years.  In addition to that, for some reason, the husband very often seems to feel threatened when a single guy is friendly with his wife, which, of course, creates tension, however there is nothing to fear if you trust your wife and realize that the single person may just be, being friendly.  However, on occasion, the wife does not see it necessary to simply be friendly for fear of the single CHRISTIAN guy falling for her, (perhaps these particular  Christian women need to realize that they may not be attractive as they think themselves to be.) and perhaps, assigning a terminal illness to them. Christian is emphasized because no Christian guy should think about coveting his Christian brothers wife.  Finally, the church in general, not all churches, but the ones who seem to frequently view single men as somehow "defective" or suspect and unable to fully contribute to the church body until they're married.  Does the bible not teach that we are all of ONE body?  I don't think that means that singles are excluded.  Thankfully, this does not seem to be the case at my new church.

In spite of these misunderstandings, I'm (most all the time.....im still a human) content knowing I'm complete in Christ, and that He too very likely endured similar misunderstandings when he walked on the earth.

It may be me, but it seems like there is a subliminal message that suggests being married is God's end-all plan for good Christians, and if you're not married by a certain age, there is definitely something wrong with you or you made God mad and he's punishing you.  Add to that the pressure of peers marrying off and having kids and slowly, but inevitably, distancing themselves from you more and more.  Implicit in these behaviors are just those questions: Why on earth are you still single? Or, more pointedly, what's wrong with you?

I find myself periodically searching to answer these questions as to why this or that relationship didn't work out, but, of course, you cannot force what's not there. And so, sooner or later, and usually before a months time, it's wise to simply part ways and move on.

Prevailing Biblical wisdom says to find contentment in our singleness and walk with God, but earthly "advice" says don't expect anything and when you least expect it, you'll meet the right one. It's usually never going to be when someone least expects it, simply because there's such a strong awareness and sense of hope that "This might be the one", and so that piece of "advice" is definitely easier said than done, and not always going to be true in every case.  Contentment in Christ will always be a struggle, and not just in the single life, but I would tend to think that any Christian, single or married, struggles with contentment.

And so, I simply bumble along, expanding my interests. Inevitably, some of those interests fall outside the realm of typical Evangelical endeavors. Bible studies, and other typical Christian singles activities only go so far. That's not to say that I'm a reprobate or liberal. I believe in the inerrant Word of God and His soveriegnty and I try to walk the Christian walk.  Its hard when people don't seem to get that.

Several friends have suggested I'd be better off getting involved in fellowships or bible studies that are open to the broader Christendom, as they tend to be more diverse and open in terms of interests and activities....and perhaps also doctrine.  That seems to negate the doctrine of seperation, but I also really like living where I do, and im quickly becoming comfortable at my new church, not because its comfortable for the flesh, but because its biblically sound, and even though there are not any single ladies my age,  I'll stay where I am, striving to grow in the grace and in the knowledge of Christ (2 Peter 3:18) that I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings. (Phil. 3:10)  A biblically sound church is far greater than any earthly relationship.

As the Word says, I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. If some people, and more specifically, some girls don't get me, that's fine. God does. And so I'll do my best to flesh out my faith, live for Christ, reach out to others, and let the proverbial chips fall where they may.
People often seem to think I couldn't be happy and fulfilled without having a wife. I sometimes get questions that seem to assume I sit at home alone feeling sorry for myself.  While I want to be married, I also won't live my life in a state of regret. And I'm trying to learn that if being married never happens, I need to continue trusting and honoring God with my life.

More blogs and a book!

Did you know I have 2 other blogs and a book?

Please feel free to check out my bible study blog, worship blog, and follow my book's facebook page.

https://www.facebook.com/PleasingDeceiving/

www.biblicalworshipstudy.blogspot.com

www.ablogblessing.blogspot.com

A few MINDful insights about an introverts perspective.

A few MINDful insights about an introverts perspective.

We are observant.

         We often see things others often miss or don’t see, about everything, but mostly about people's character.  We are constantly taking in information in our quiet state and using it as catalyst for either, a creative expression, or to take mental notes about a situation or someone.  When you are with an introvert, nothing is lost.  It often seems like, to some degree, the introverted person can percieve what the other wants, even when the others haven’t spelt it out, which is intuitive.

We are mindful of what we say.

          Nothing makes you look stupid and unattractive faster than saying inappropriate things because you rushed to speak and did not take time to consider your words (which is the reason behind a lot of awkward encounters with the introverts you know.  We feel pressured quite easily, to either try to keep conversation going, or that silence is making everyone else hugely uncomfortable and we need to say something.)

          Introverts don’t usually speak out of turn. In fact, we try not to speak at all unless we have something important to say. Although when we do speak, there is most likely a lot of thought or research behind it.

We are creative, out-of-the box thinkers.

         Introverts have no fear of being alone and (Theres a difference between lonely and alone) actually cherish privacy and freedom from interruption. In the state of solitude, introverts get in touch with their inner monologue, ask the right questions and flex their creative muscles. That natural tendency to embrace solitude, focus deeply on a subject, think and act creatively makes introverts unique people.

We  are studious and smart. (About some things)

          Introverts are naturally drawn to reading and study. We enjoy learning and figuring out new things for ourselves, and while we might be dubbed book worms, we like to socialize on occasion.  Most people enjoy being around studious people, however our lack of "small talk" abilities tend to limit our interactions with others very well.

Book review- "Introverts in the Church"

       This is a short book review on the book "Introverts in the Church" by Adam S. McHugh. 

       Discovering and learning about intoversion these past few months has been very enlightening in realizing both the complexities of God's design and also understanding others.  I recently read Adam S. McHugh's book and found it very beneficial.   Let me first say that I do not agree with most of his biblical convictions or practices, however the information about introversion contained in this book is well written and very helpful.  
        There are a couple of main concepts behind introversion and extroversion. The first being that God created the brain to function in different ways and this is huge in helping to understand God's human creation more, and in getting along with people.  When you can see the more obvious characteristics of one or the other in a person, you can understand more about them and why they are that way.  It's a physical part of the brain design.
        Another main concept in this book is that there are very beneficial, introverted ways to exercise one's personal spirituality, and they are very enjoyable for introverts, even though to others, they may not make sense....and may seem unbiblical to others.   It's a relief to realize that, although a certain way to do things is usually propagated by churches, there are very biblical ways to do things that suit the introvert.
         A final thought for this book is that there seems to be a lot of anecdotes for introverts that need to deal with most of the extroverted methods and ministries found in churches.   Along side that is a fair amount of psychological research shared throughout the book, which I found very interesting.

        This was a great benefit to my understanding introversion and I hope that this review will be helpful to others in some way.

CAN extroverts understand introverts?

In a previous post, it was mentioned that there are many proofs and studies that have been done to understand the physiological make up of the brain difference among extroverts and introverts.   In addition to that, there are some other reasons an extrovert may never understand everything about their introvert friend.  Here are a few of those. 

INTROVERSION AND EXTROVERSION IS PRIMARILY HOW A PERSON GETS THEIR ENERGY.  THIS IS THE MAIN FEATURE OF THE 2.

Introverts are completely drained around people, while extroverts are completely drained by being alone.  When I was a lot younger, before I knew any of these things, I had to go to a big family Christmas party.  There were probably around 50-60 people there.  After only a little while, I needed to go off alone, and for quite a long time.  I was only 7 or 8, but that's when I started realizing how much people physically drained me. 

THERE ARE A NUMBER OF SUB-TRAITS ASSOCIATED WITH INTROVERSION

--An introvert may also have extroverted traits.

Some people will just never understand that it's very possible to be an introvert,  while also enjoying some social settings, but only for a few hours.  Introverts are very in tune with what drains them, but still, we desire to go out to be social and meet people.  This is the whole conundrum.  

--WE MAY SEEM VERY OUTGOING TO PEOPLE WE HAVE KNOWN OUR WHOLE LIFE, AND FAMILY MEMBERS

If we've known people our whole life, then of course we are more comfortable around them.  It's new people, or even distant relatives (like at that party I mentioned) that drains us.  And first impressions and introductions are usually very awkward.

These should be self-explanatory and are more general to most introverts.

--Introverts are very self-aware and thoughtful

--They enjoy understanding the details

--Interested in self-knowledge and self-understanding

--They tend to keep emotions private

--Quiet and reserved in large groups or around unfamiliar people

--Tends to have a smaller group of friends

--Typically chooses friends much more carefully

--Closest relationships tend to be profound and significant

--Prefers to interact 1-on-1 rather than in large groups

--Finds “small talk” tedious but enjoys deep, meaningful conversations

--Thinks about things before talking to have a full understanding of a concept before voicing an opinion or offering an explanation

Understanding more Introversion

I came across a blog post that briefly summed up some habits of introverts.   I think it was very well written and to-the-point.  Here are some of those points.   I hope this will help anyone that is close to an introvert and wants to understand them more, or perhaps there are parents that have an introverted child who is unaware of themselves,  but have some of these habits. Introversion is much more then a mere personality trait, it is a neurological setting.  Introverts can't be "fixed" or "changed" so understanding them and respecting their way of doing things is the best way to show your respect and appreciation.   The original post of this is here. 

1. The need to take two cars to any social event in case either of you wants to duck out early. Not every introvert is shy, but most introverts derive energy from being alone -- and not from being around a large group of people at a party. As Susan Cain writes in her landmark book Quiet: The Power of Introverts In a World That Can't Stop Talking "Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating." Introverts may be OK with crowds -- but only in small doses.
              1a. If you don't have two cars, the need for a private signal in case your introvert wants to make a quick escape. "Introverts are excellent listeners and not big minglers, so at parties, we're sitting ducks for chatterboxes," Sophia Dembling, author of Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After told The Huffington Post. "And while extroverts have a talent for flitting from person to person at a party, introverts are not always good at extricating ourselves from conversations that have gone on too long."

2.  An introvert's inclination to think through an issue before opening his or her mouth, even though you may like to talk everything out. As Cain says, "Introverts are careful, reflective thinkers who can tolerate the solitude that idea-generation requires." Introverts are the ones who prefer listening to speaking, reading to partying; who innovate and create but dislike self-promotion; who favor working on their own over brainstorming in teams.

3. An introvert's need to decompress after a social event.  Whereas extroverts might get antsy spending time on their own, introverts actually need to be alone in order to feel rejuvenated again.

4. The importance of routines. Chaotic environments seem to sap the energy of the introverts. Routines, though, eliminate the need to make choices, freeing up an introvert's brain for more important things, but also not putting the pressure on to think on the spot. It is very difficult for an introvert to think clearly during chaos.  The more routine, the better.

5. An introvert's irritation when you keep asking "is everything OK?" every few minutes when you're with other people.  I think this one is self-explanatory.   If you see an introvert sitting alone, quietly, their ok.  It's irritating to be checked on, like we can't take care of ourselves.

6. That when an introvert says, "I need to be alone for a while," he or she is not being rude. It's just the way they recharge his or her battery.  A 2010 study shed light on another reason why introverts sometimes prefer being alone. The study found that human faces may hold more meaning for extroverts than for introverts, which could be why extroverts are more likely to seek the company of others,  and introverts are not as concerned with that.

7. An introvert's ability to speak in front of a crowd, even if he or she doesn't want to make small talk afterwards.  Research shows that introverts can sometimes make better leaders than extroverts. For example, Cain described Bill Gates, one of the world's most successful businesspeople, as an introvert. He's quiet, but able to speak in front of a large audience.

8. Springing last minute plans on an introvert.   It's a big interruption in our routine.  Don't do it.

9. The need to do things their way. It may seem selfish, but we have carefully thought through how to do something, probably 6 or 7 times before we actually do something,  going over every detail that we can think of.  And there probably isn't anything that we haven't thought of.

10. The struggle is real and we sometimes struggle just to say hi.  Not for fear of talking to people,  but because there may be small talk to follow.  We would much rather get to a deep conversation and saying "hi" often means small talk.

I truly hope that this helps extroverts understand a little more about the introverts in their lives, whether acquaintances,  friends, or family members or perhaps your trying to figure someone out and you think they may be an introvert.   These are typical in most introverts,  but to varying degrees.

Why you can't "fix" an introvert

There have been many studies to prove that introversion is an actual phenomenon of the brain.  Here is an article I found that sums it up pretty good.

"The introverted brain

Introverts’ brains work differently than extroverts’. For one thing, introverts have more blood flow to their brains than extroverts. According to Marti Olsen Laney, that indicates more internal stimulation and sensitivity. The blood in an introvert’s brain travels longer, more complicated pathways and focuses on parts of the brain involved with internal experiences like remembering, solving problems and planning.

Introverts’ brains still use dopamine but are more sensitive to it and too much of it will cause over-stimulation. The more dominant neurotransmitter found in the introvert’s neuro-pathways is acetylcholine. Acetylcholine affects attention and learning, influences the ability to stay calm and alert, utilizes long-term memory and activates voluntary movement. Not surprisingly, acetylcholine stimulates a good feeling when we think and feel.

Acetylcholine acts as an inhibitory neurotransmitter when it activates our parasympathetic nervous system, which helps us calm down and conserve energy when stimulated. The sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) has the opposite effect. It is characterized by activity and mobility and employed more by the extroverted brain."

A lot of people that don't understand introversion think it's just a personality thing and it's because introverts don't want to or haven't "broken out their shell".  Telling an introvert that they need to "change" or be "fixed" an introvert will probably leave them very upset and irritated.  The best thing that can be done is to understand them, simply because this is an actual chemical and physiological design of our brain.